Do you ever wake up in the morning, or mess something up, and can’t stop thinking about how you screwed that up? It starts as a healthy reminder to step up your game, and quickly turns into self loathing.
That’s what happened earlier this week. It started out as a healthy reprimand, and quickly turned into the ever familiar self loathing I was quite friendly with when I struggled with my eating disorder. I would hate myself for eating anything and I would expound further but I remember how the comparison game worked:
- I would compare myself to others who struggle(d) with an eating disorder, and punish myself if I ate more than them, and gloat if I ate less than them.
- I was jealous of those who got hospitalized, and felt sorry for those who swelled from water retention.
Obviously this was kinda messed up. But the thing is, I thought that that’s all I deserved. I thought I wasn’t worth anything until I was less than 100lbs, and I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy. I was going to make myself miserable until I’d reached my goal. The only problem was, that when I started losing a bunch of weight, I felt miserable so I couldn’t even enjoy my new *skinny*. I was terribly sick and wasn’t able to climb up a flight of stairs without fainting. Where were my hopes and dreams of going to college? Traveling? Moving out? I was so sick I couldn’t function.
I’m so glad I’m in a healthier place now! These are a few things that keep me grounded:
- A husband who thinks I’m beautiful
- Daily quiet time, reflecting on things that are true and uplifting
- An exhilarating amount of running and keeping active
- Investing in myself (finishing my bachelors degree this fall!!)
- Learning to love myself
- Taking time to enjoy the smallest moments. Taking time to be joyful
- Taking time for myself. Sometimes this means taking my journal to Starbucks and writing for an hour. Other times this means taking 2 hours to run by the beach. And occasionally it means spending an hour on pinterest, pretending to be productive
“If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”
- Barbara De Angelis, author
What helps you guys keep a healthy perspective on life and yourself? How do you keep your emotions steady and enjoy life when it seems crazy?